Author: Stephanie Meyers
Rating: one lonely star
This book was hella boring. I almost fell asleep twenty times while reading it.
The first four hundred pages of this near five hundred page book held almost no interest whatsoever. It was mostly composed of Bella (our Mary Sue of a main character) complaining about the rain, making dinner for her father and then cleaning up while he goes and watches TV like a lazy bum, and then her insta-romancing over a guy who is even more boring than she is.
Let’s get into the character break down.
Bella (Mary Sue) Swan: This girl has nothing going for her. She is about as interesting as watching paint dry. What does she do for fun? Makes her father dinner. Because the guy is a lazy bastard. And then afterwards? She washes the dishes because her dad is a lazy bastard. Honestly, there isn’t much to say about no-personality-swan. The only thing she did throughout the book was obsess over Edward. Which bares the question, why were all the guys at school in love with her?
Edward (Shovel Face) Cullen: I mean seriously, this guy has been alive (you know what I mean) for over a century. And yet, he has no hobbies? Nothing he wants to do in his spare time? All he does is follow our Mary Sue around and watches her while she sleeps. I have more to say about that, but I’ll get to it later. Honestly, how is this barely-even-two-dimensional character the center of which the sparkly vampire’s life revolves around? He even clearly states that he wouldn’t want to live if she died. That’s just an unhealthy relationship right there.
Also, little tip Stephanie Meyer, if you want to keep the illusion of what Edward is a secret, then don’t fucking tell us he’s vampire on the back cover. The entire mystery wasn’t a mystery at all. For the first half of the book, all I could help but shout was “HE’S A VAMPIRE YOU DIMWIT!” because Bella was thinking he was some stupid superhero or something. He definitely is not.
Alice (Crystal Ball) Cullen: She’s the only interesting character in this series. She quirky and has a cool power that allows her to see the future, but she only comes into play in the last hundred pages of the book. This chick is way more interesting than our Mary Sue and has a kick-ass backstory. Why was the story about her? It would’ve been way better otherwise, with her not knowing about her life as a human because she was in an insane asylum or something. Awesome. Glad we don’t get to read about that.
Charlie (Lazy Bastard) Swan: He’s a lazy bastard.
James (the bad guy?): He is supposed to be the antagonist of the story, but he only gets like, ten pages in the story. He gets hyped up to be this super bad vampire who hunts for the sheer pleasure of it, and then goes out like a little bitch. I’m sorry, but I believe the only bad guy involved in Twilight is the author herself.
All the other characters don’t matter to the plot at all.
Let’s analyse the plot shall we?
Bella moves to Forks. Bella meets Edward. Edward tells Bella to stay away. Weird dude who is shirtless in all other books tells Bella that Edward is a vampire.
That is was happens in the entire first half of the book. This nothingness was stretched out over two hundred and fifty pages!!! No wonder is was a snoozer.
And when Bella does find out that Edward is a vampire, she’s totally fine with it. “Oh, he won’t hurt me because he cares about me! This connection between the two of us is so romantic and candy hearts with flowers…” I seriously wanted to punch this bitch in the face. This is exactly what victims in an abusive relationship tell themselves.
The one thing Bella sort of had going for her, saw that she didn’t exactly stand around and do nothing like she does in the other books. When those guys were going to sexually assault her, she assessed the situation and actually tried to fight. The odds were stacked against her because she’s a klutzy ignoramus, but she survives because of Edward ex fucking machina.
He then reveals that he was stalking her. And she apparently totally okay with that. I can understand because he just saved her life that she’s happy to be alive, but he then reveals that he’s been watching her sleep as well and for some reason she’s happy about it.
The only action to come into this story, arrives four hundred pages in. And it didn’t appear like something the author originally intended on having because it was awkward and out of place with all the “beautiful, tragic romance.” It was like the book was getting boring even to her as she was writing it so she added in the vampire hunter people at the end to spice it up.
And then that was wrapped up within only about fifty pages. I felt cheated out of the action because Bella even faints so we don’t get to see it.
Thanks. Thanks for that. I wasted two days of my life reading this trash. Two days I can’t get back.
Although the first book is better than the rest of the series, that isn’t saying much. It’s still boring.
Recommends for no one unless you need to fall asleep because nothing happens.