Pretty Little Liars (Book) Review

Title: Pretty Little Liars

Author: Sara Shepard

Rating: can I give this zero stars?

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Breath in.

Breath out.

Okay, how do I start with this? I guess I could start with the characters, but keep in mind that they’re all bitches.

Emily (Jock Lesbian) Fields: Emily is the best swimmer on her swim team. And she ‘might’ be into girls. That’s all we know about her. Personality-wise, she’s a dud. The only time she does anything interesting throughout this book (where nothing interesting happens in the first place) is when she gets drunk at a party and makes out with the new girl in the photo booth. But who is Emily? I don’t know. She’s boring and offers nothing.

Aria (“Oddball”) Montgomery: Honestly, I don’t know what kind of boring ass people Sara Shepard is hanging out with, and I really don’t want to know. If she thinks that she can make a character be weird just because they carry around a pig puppet with them in seventh grade, she has another thing coming if she encounters anyone I’ve ever met. Aria is not weird, she’s just a sixteen-year-old girl who goes day drinking and then tries to hook up with her English teacher. And then when he refuses her, she tries to make him jealous by making out with one of her fellow students. She was the most interesting out of the four girls, but I still didn’t like her because her character was so unlikeable.

Hanna (Queen Bee) Marin: Hanna used to be fat and bullied for it. So what did she do? She got skinny and then made fun of other people so having imperfect bodies. She is also the only Liar who has a friend in this book. All of the other girls don’t have friends which is very hard to believe (except Aria who was in Europe for the past three years.) But she is a horrible person, which is sad because she is also the only character with depth. She used to be fat and threw up to become thin. Then she becomes the it-girl of her school and gets the boy of her dreams. She has everything, yet she shoplifts even though she has money. She’s obsessed with getting her boyfriend to sleep with her and when he refuses (he took an abstinence pledge) she steals his car, drives drunk and then crashes it. I really wanted to like Hanna, but she kept doing all of these things and not caring about anyone but herself so it was hard to do anything but hate her.

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Spencer (Slut) Hastings: I have nothing to say about this character other than that she is freakin’ unbelievable. She takes all of these AP classes, is her student body vice president, and plays on the field hockey team. She’s an overachiever. We get it. I just wish we could’ve seen this in her personality. All I ever saw her thinking about was her older sister’s boyfriend, Wren, and how she could get him to pay attention to her. Newsflash, not all twenty-something-year-old men like sixteen-year-old immature girls. They claim to have this connection, but all you ever see happen between them is Wren massaging Spencer because of her sore muscles after practice. That’s it. There are no conversations. Nothing that they have in common other than physical attraction.

Okay, now let’s look at the “plot”. I used air quotes because there was no plot.

The whole story centers around these four girls and their lives three years after their friend, Alison DiLaurentis disappeared three years prior. They have all drifted apart and have separate lives now. But someone is sending them text messages about secrets that only Alison knew about.

This could’ve been a good story with mystery and tension about trying to figure out who was harassing them and what happened to their friend, but no. That is not what happened at all. The first book was only written to be the beginning of a very long and way too stretched out series. I understand that the first book is usually there to set up a series, but they also have a lot happen in it as well. In this book, nothing happened. I had to force myself to keep reading and when I did, I didn’t care what was happening.

Another thing that bothered me about this book was the overuse of alcohol and smoking. Everyone was so casual about drinking and smoking in this book you would think that there were no parents around and every teenager was a cookie-cutter copy of the ones on TV. Not everyone wants to go get drunk in the woods. Not everyone smokes. Not everyone is so casual about sex. Where are the morals? Where is the self-esteem? You want me to care about these characters? Really Sara Shepard? Because you are making it really hard.

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And then there is the product placement that is plastered on every page and in every description of a character’s clothes. If I didn’t know better, I would’ve thought that Micheal Bay wrote this, but there were no explosions. There were so many clothes brands dropped, but I still had no idea what the characters were wearing. I didn’t care in the first place. If all of the brand names had been taken out, the book could’ve lost possibly fifty pages. That’s a sign you’re doing something wrong.

I am proud of myself for finishing this monstrosity, though. Will I continue by reading the other fifteen books in this stretched out, way too long series? Maybe. If I ever need a reason to shoot myself.

This book is recommended for people who are okay with alcoholics and being a whore.

Good day.

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