Firstlife Review

Title: Firstlife

Author: Gena Showalter

Rating: two more stars than it deserves

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DNFed at 50%. I honestly don’t even know how I made it that far. Every time I picked up this book to read it, I wanted to set it back down immediately.

The very thin plot of this book (like paper fucking thin) is about a girl who apparently is this thing that can create light of something (it’s not explained very well). And basically, there are two different after life’s and they both want to recruit the MC because she’s this special person.

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Ten Lockwood (Special Snowflake/Mary Sue/Huge pain in the ass): Can I just first say, that while I appreciate the author going all the way with her character’s trait and not just saying that she has this trait and then never mentioning it again.,. it was still annoying and intrusive as hell to read from the point of view of this character. Not to mention, how convenient is it that her name is Ten and she’s obsessed with numbers? That’s like finding out your kid named Dog is obsessed with animals.

Also, she’s such a special snowflake that both of these worlds want to recruit her and would do anything to get her, yadda yadda yadda… the song remains the same in all these YA books don’t it? And of course, they both send super, super HAWT guys after her because women obviously only make decisions according to their lady boners.

Killain Flynn (Only there to be a neanderthal lover interest): All this guy ever did was whip his dick out with sarcastic innuendos, or get pumped up on testosterone by beating someone’s face in. Not impressed, Showalter. Not impressed at all.

Archer Prince (Mr. Identity Issues): All this character is good for in the beginning of the book (where he was actually pretending to be a woman for some reason?) was for comic relief that was actually just as annoying as Ten’s obsession with numbers. Then he apparently lost his entire personality and was just some shell of a man (haha!).

Sloane (Reformed mean girl only so the MC can have a friend): At the beginning of the book, Sloane was basically the stereotypical mean girl and hated Ten for no reason, but the two of the became friends later, and it felt forced. Mostly because Ten’s real friend just died so I guess they became friends because the MC can’t have people hating her now can she?

Clay (Who?): He’s barely mentioned in the story at all and when he does come into it, he’s dead a few pages later. His character literally meant nothing to me.

Vans (Dr. Evil): This guy tortured kids for money. And that’s all we ever know about him.

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I don’t know why I put that in there, but that kind of feels like what Showalter was doing with her book. I don’t know what to do, let’s just put this in there and hope it works!

Honestly, I found myself not even paying attention to a few pages, but I barely missed anything. The dialogue is made up of the kids trying to sound badass, but really just looking like idiots, or it’s a big, fat infodump.

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And even with the heaping amounts of information that was thrown at me, I still barely knew what was going on. This author does not know how to write. I didn’t know what any of the characters looked like, and I couldn’t picture the rooms they were in. Trying to picture the word was like trying to recall one of my dreams. I got a vague scene of what was going on, but not much more than that. And the sentence structure was full of unnecessary one-word sentences that made the flow stop. And go a little before, stop. Again. Why does she, for whatever reason, do this to us?

It was exhausting to read.

Another thing: Ten’s number obsession. For some reason, our main character is obsessed with numbers. And honestly, that would be cool, if it wasn’t portrayed like this every time:

“How long was I out?” I ask with bite.

“Roughly six hours.”

There are six points on the Star of David. Six, the atomic number for carbon. A six-pack of beer- what I could use right now.

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It felt intrusive and disruptive to the story. But what bothers me the most is the example of her number obsession ON THE VERY NEXT PAGE!

He’s a guard from Prynne. He worked there four months, six days and eight hours, during which I endured sixteen eyebrow wiggles, twenty-seven lewd grins and three invitations to the party in his pants.

That was how her obsession should have been portrayed. Her counting everything, because this was allowing us to stay in the story and still stay in the head of our MC.

There were other problems with this book, like how we’re supposed to believe Ten is falling in love with Killian even though she says many times that she hates his personality but goes all weak-kneed whenever she gets a look at his gorgeous bod. That’s not love. It’s lust. Get it fucking right.

And also how apparently it’s okay to talk about rape and torture in this book, but the main character is censored from saying fuck and changing it to zero. And it’s not because of her number obsession because she says at one point that maybe she should change her favorite four-letter curse word. It was just the author not wanting to write FUCK!

FUCK!

FUCK!

get the FUCK over it!

FUCK!

Okay, I’m done.

And last but not least, that quarter-assed torture scene. We learn that Vans wasn’t going all the way with torturing Ten because her parents wouldn’t let him, and that’s fine. But don’t tell me that he’s then allowed to do his worst and give me a scene like that!

There were way worse things you could’ve done to her than what the author did. She got stuck with a needle that’s pain was apparently so great it could be described within one measly paragraph.

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I felt like the author pussied out because she didn’t want to do anything too bad to her precious main character. And that is fine. You didn’t have to rip back the curtain and say that nothing was off limits. But you did, and you still held back.

By doing that, you are not a real writer in my book.

I recommend this book only for my enemies because those bitches need to suffer.

Good day.

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